(Minghui.org) I submitted an experience sharing article to the 9^th China Fahui on Minghui, and also helped edit manuscripts for a few other practitioners (practitioners “A” and “B”). After I finalized the rough draft, I sent my article to a fellow practitioner, who responded that he thought it was pretty good. I thought the same. After a few more modifications, I submitted my article to Minghui. I thought that my article would be published and didn't anticipate any problems.

On the fourth day of the Fahui, a practitioner told me excitedly when she saw me from a distance: “Practitioner A's article was published.” I was not pleased at all. I quickly warned her: “Speak quietly. Pay attention to safety.” However, I knew in my heart that asking the practitioner to pay attention to safety was in fact covering up my bad mood. I thought that my article should have been published before practitioner A's. After that, I felt disturbed when I met practitioner A. I had a good impression of her in the past, but now I felt really awkward when I saw her. I knew that jealousy was consuming my heart.

I went home that evening feeling frustrated, depressed and with a sense of loss. During the next two days, it seemed that something was always there inside that made me suffer and not be in the mood for anything. I was disappointed in myself and even felt that Master had deserted me. My status made me truly feel what Master said, “If jealousy is not abolished, everything that you have cultivated will become fragile.” (from Zhuan Falun)

I have always known how jealousy can harm a practitioner, and I had been eliminating my attachment of jealousy while sending righteous thoughts toward my own dimensional field on a daily basis. I didn't expect that when jealousy was truly aroused, it would manifest within me so strongly.

I then picked up Zhuan Falun and read the paragraph about jealousy. I recalled that practitioners talked about the power of transcribing the Fa in their experience sharing articles, so I took out a pen and paper and started to transcribe the paragraph:

“It is because jealousy is displayed very strongly in China. It is so strong that it has become natural and one does not even feel it.”(from Zhuan Falun)

I thought that my jealousy was so strong that it had felt natural, so I didn't feel it on many occasions. I then transcribed:

“A person may have practiced qigong for over twenty years without developing any supernormal abilities, while another person has obtained them soon after beginning the practice. This person will then find it unfair: ...” (from Zhuan Falun)

I immediately realized that I was “finding it unfair” when I thought about the fact that I'd had articles published on Minghui many times in the past, and believed that my article contributed to this Fahui better than practitioner A's. This was the first time that practitioner A had contributed an article to a Fahui, yet her article was published before mine.

I then thought about how I felt when other practitioners persuaded more people than me to withdraw from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). I felt that I had lost face-- as if it were not normal unless I persuaded more people to withdraw instead. Wasn't this the attachment of competitiveness? These are the things that cause jealousy.

I have been a coordinator for a couple of years. I understood from the Fa that a coordinator is only a contact person and might not necessarily cultivate better than others. Subconsciously however, I considered my role to be a high position, and on many occasions, I positioned myself above other practitioners and looked down on them. The attachment of jealousy was truly manifesting in me, in many aspects.

Master said,

“There is this rule: If in the course of cultivation practice jealousy is not given up, one will not attain Right Fruit—absolutely not.” (from Zhuan Falun)

Master taught us that this is a serious matter. I realized that my problem was severe. The characteristic of the Fa will not allow me to ascend with the attachments of jealousy and competitiveness to be among divine beings. I was determined to let go of jealousy.

During those days, I kept telling Master while burning incense to Him: “Master, I must let go of jealousy! I must let it go! I must let it go!” I also made a greater effort to eliminate jealousy from my dimensional field while sending righteous thoughts daily. Whenever I interacted with other practitioners, as soon as I felt an unrighteous thought, I immediately restrained it with a strong mind. In particular, while working with fellow practitioners to call people and explain the facts about Falun Gong and persuade them to withdraw from the CCP, I no longer validated myself, nor competed with fellow practitioners regarding the number of people that we successfully persuaded to withdraw. Instead, I conducted myself from the perspective of the Fa rectification, and strengthened fellow practitioners with my righteous thoughts to help them persuade more people to withdraw from the CCP.

One week passed. I saw that practitioner B's experience sharing article was also published on Minghui. I found that I no longer felt that this was unfair like before, and I was truly happy for “B” from the bottom of my heart. When I realized that I was able to let go of such a strong attachment, I felt even happier for myself and couldn't help shedding tears. I was grateful for Master's compassion. I was grateful that I could be purified in Dafa and freed from such a dirty attachment. I went in front of Master's photo and said with gratitude: “Thank you Master! Thank you Master!” Whether my article was published or not was no longer important to me. What was important was that my attachment was exposed during this process, and I let go of it and improved my cultivation level.

However, this tribulation wasn't that simple. When I continued reading more published Fahui articles, I still had a vague wish to see my article. I thought that it not being published wasn't because there was a problem with it. Master had used it to help me eliminate my attachment. Once I let go of my attachment, my article would be published. I was even a bit worried that my attachment was not thoroughly removed, which would delay the publishing of my article. These thoughts were not strong in the beginning, but they manifested more and more intensely, and I found myself stuck in another attachment. Why did I have such strong hope for my article to be published? I examined myself carefully. I realized that my vanity, the attachment to self, was playing a role. I felt that I would look bad if my article wasn't published. Initially, I identified this attachment, however, as I continued searching within deeper and deeper, I found a big attachment that had accompanied me for many years.

I started searching within about why my article wasn't published. I initially searched at the surface and suspected that perhaps my article wasn't submitted properly. I had compressed my article and then submitted it. Perhaps after the successful submission, I'd left some typos in a few places; I downloaded it, made some modifications, then submitted it again, and downloaded the new one too. The downloaded file seemed corrupted. I thought that some errors might have been introduced during downloading. The file I uploaded should be good, so I didn't submit it again. I began to examine whether there was a problem with the article's content. As I read through the published articles, I found that the majority of practitioners were sharing how they cultivated while doing the three things, focusing on improving their xinxing. My article seemed to talk too much about doing things and subsequently left people with the impression that I was validating myself. Maybe that was the main reason why my article wasn't published.

I continued searching within. Was I really validating myself? This was the second time that I'd participated in the Fahui. The first time that I participated in a Fahui was several years ago, and it was also the first time that I'd contributed an article to Minghui. My heart was very pure. I opened “Master's New Article: Mature” and put it beside me. I wrote for a while, then read Master's article. I then wrote for another period of time, then continued reading Master's article. I was hoping to write an article according to requirements of the Fa:

“Gone are the flowery expressions meant for affective show: the papers are full of substance, and they are accurate, clean, and free of human sentiments.” (from “Master's New Article: Mature”)

My first article was published when the Fahui began. I wrote about my experience of explaining the facts about Falun Gong using cell phones. Practitioners around me read my article and all praised me for it. My article was later included in a special Minghui brochure. Since then, whenever I read articles published on Minghui that talked about clarifying the truth using cell phones, I subconsciously compared them with mine, and always thought that my article was better. Although I didn't talk about it, in my heart, I regarded myself as “pretty good”. I contributed more experience sharing articles to Minghui later, and my attachment gradually swelled. Now when I look at the article that I contributed to this Fahui, I felt that it more or less carried things about validating self.

I kept searching within. I had developed an attachment from not being able to let go of that article. I have explained the facts about Falun Gong using a cell phone for years, but now it appears that I've never attentively read the experiences shared by other practitioners on Minghui about how they did truth clarification using cell phones. I had just skimmed through them. Once in particular, a practitioner mentioned the number of people that he'd persuaded to withdraw from the CCP using a cell phone, and I thought that the number was impossible based on my experience. I stuck firmly to my notion. I even thought that the Minghui editors didn't know the situation and had published unrealistic data.

I was really shocked as I searched within, and realized that I did not truly practice cultivation. The article had become a hurdle in my cultivation that I hadn't overcome, nor was I aware of it. As a result, this stopped me from progressing and greatly intensified my attachment to self. Just like the attachment of jealousy, it was so strong that it had felt natural. For so many years, I never noticed my attachment to that article.

Once I realized this, I felt my arrogant “self” suddenly shrink like a deflated balloon. For many years, I have often been attached to an illusive, fake self. At the same time, I also found the root of my attachment of jealousy. The various manifestations of jealousy were indeed built on the basis of that presumptuous self! When I changed my mentality and inspected myself again, I found that I had changed. Sometimes, even the way I looked at issues had changed. Especially when I looked at practitioners around me, the first thing I recognized were their good things, whereas before, I was particularly critical and could always spot others' shortcomings. My heart's capacity seemed to have greatly enlarged, and I'd learned how to understand and accept others.

I felt that I'd changed a great deal during the Fahui period, as I constantly reflected and searched within. Master encouraged me for every bit of progress. I felt as if energy embraced me every day. Changes also occurred when I again made phone calls to explain the facts about Falun Gong and persuaded people to withdraw from the CCP. In the past, I usually persuaded about ten people to withdraw. Now I can persuade about twenty people to withdraw, sometimes even reaching my record of forty.

I would not have been affected so deeply if I hadn't participated in this Fahui. A lot of my attachments might still be hiding there and nobody knows when they would be exposed. Although my article was not published, I felt that I gained so much through participation in the Fahui.